....but God

...I didn't know I was the one that needed the healing. You see for years I thought because she was the one in the wheelchair....

Tonight's post is a little different. It's not exactly rallying around the orphan crisis. And I'm not exactly advocating for anyone in particular. Tonight I am going to tell you a little secret that I didn't know about myself until just a few hours ago. Please bear with me on this one, your getting the raw script.

I have a sister. She is in a wheelchair. In my mind, for as long as I can remember, I have prayed the most honest and heart felt prayers to God. I have asked him to heal my sister. I have told him (even in list form) how I think he should do it. It would go something like this-- Lord heal her father. From the top of her head to the soles of her feet. Allow her to walk. Unassisted, no braces, no walker, no wheelchair, not so much as someone else holding her hand. Strengthen her legs and let them bear her weight.

Sounds great, right? Real "Christian" Like. I would even throw in the part " father you said in your word that if I would just have faith the size of a mustard seed that I could say to my mountain to move and it will have to move." Oh and don't forget "by your stripes we are healed". See I for years have prayed this prayer. And I have meant it with every fiber of my being. But there was a problem with my prayers. I would make a point to leave out the part "Father your will be done".

See I didn't much want HIS will. I wanted MY will. I wanted her healed. Just like I prayed. This is what I wanted to see more than anything in this world. And it even got to the point that I was bargaining with God. Lord if you will heal her I will, (_______) fill in the blank.

I had no idea when I went to church tonight for the revival service that I was going to be the one set free. For 14ish years I have carried a burden that was too heavy. I have thought for years that I was doing something wrong. I felt that the WORD I was reading was not matching up with the reality I was living. I know I have "enough faith" I mean have you seen a mustard seed. It is really darn tiny. I figured I had at least that much faith. And I believe with all of my heart and soul that Jesus took those stripes for our healing. I can not stress enough that I believe with all of who I am that that book is the LIVING BREATHING WORD OF GOD. So why after all these years was she still in that chair. Why was she not walking after all those prayers.

The answer, I don't know. You see I DO believe that "by his stripes we are healed" and I DO believe that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can tell our mountain to move and it must obey. But I also believe we can not take that very mountain to God and tell him step by step how he must make it crumble.

I for years have thought in a sense it was my fault my little sister was not walking yet. Maybe I wasn't praying right, or maybe I wasn't fasting enough, or maybe this or maybe that. But for whatever the reason I have had more grief and sorrow than I knew about. (And here's where we come to the title) BUT GOD. But then God came and released me. He gave me rest. Tonight he spoke peace to my soul. He gave me rest in him. He assured me that His ways are higher than mine. And His thoughts are not mine. He is my father and he knows what is best for me AND my sister.

She may not be walking, (yet) but that's ok. God has a timing and a purpose that I don't see and I have to be ok with that. Tonight for the very first time in my life. I am ok with her not walking. Whenever God sees fit to make this happen then I will be ready. If he doesn't that's ok too. She is whole, she is healed, and now so am I.

Thank you my heavenly Father, for you truly do know what is best. Not only for me, but also for those I love more that words can say. Thank you for seeing me in my weakness and bringing me up to a place of freedom in you. Thank you Father for carrying me when I didn't understand. For holding me up when I could not stand. Thank you for your grace, and your love. I am eternally grateful. My Jesus thank you for healing my heart and making me new. From everlasting to everlasting you will reign in my heart and life. I love you father.